It's Tiiiiiiime!
....to have a real conversation about actions, words, and accountability (and for Mariah too, if that's your thing.)
It's time for us to examine how our everyday behaviors keep us locked into systems that manipulate, oppress, and gaslight us regularly.
Am I the only one who has thought about why our "norms" are considered normal? For example, we may say we want justice and fairness, but do our daily actions align with achieving it? Do we all think our norms are, well, normal?
As with any goal or change, it's the small things we do consistently that lead to lasting change. But when it comes to addressing societal or interpersonal issues, we seem to forget this.
We look for the most obvious, the most sensationalized behaviors or systems to blame for our current conditions- but we rarely take a look at behaviors and actions done every day (or frequently) that contribute to the stronghold of the toxic status quo in most organizations (and in society).
Top 5 Undercover Mindsets That Keep Us Stuck
Let's explore what I call the top 5 undercover mindsets that keep us stuck as a society:
Behavior as a means to an end: A common belief we hold is that if certain behaviors can achieve a desired result- even when in other circumstances that behavior is considered wrong- people will still participate in the behaviors. We're taught this is "normal human behavior" and just a part of life- and that to "win", you must at times "do bad things" or step on others to achieve. How often have you found yourself justifying actions you know are wrong?
"I'm just one person!": This is the victim mentality in which you believe there's nothing you can do to change things, so you adapt and become whatever is popular or "normal" to do- regardless of if that aligns with your core values. People stuck in this mindset also have a tendency to try to convince others of the same ("stop trying to change things", "you can't change things, and no one can", etc.) and are often successful in their attempts. This mindset is detrimental and stops progress before it can even get started. This can also indicate a fear of change- either due to the fear of the unknown, or because current conditions are beneficial, and they fear losing their perceived power and privileges.
The illusion of comfort and inclusion: If we're comfy, have what we need, and feel some sense of satisfaction and connection, then why change? If it isn't broken, don't fix it, right? If other people are experiencing mistreatment or marginalization, then it must be them, and that's their problem, right? I've seen this so much within the various marginalized communities which I am part of. I've heard black people say "Well, I don't even get DEI- I'm treated well, so I don't think it's needed!" I've heard privileged autistic people say "Oh, if you just dress better and learn how to navigate, you wouldn't have a problem." I've seen and heard of women sabotaging and damaging the reputations of other women, when its already difficult enough for women in the workplace. The idea is that complying is simple, so just do it. Nevermind the fact that compliance strips individuals and group of their identity and is more about control than it is "doing what's right"- just do it, "'cuz everyone one else has to."
Ego: For some, upholding systems of oppression and manipulation gives them a sense of comfort. They "feel good" when they feel they are better off than another person or group, or when they feel they have some advantage that others do not. And still others justify assimilation to broken and oppressive systems because they "just want to fit in and feel good" (an actual quote I've heard from someone recently). Some people within marginalized groups are desperate to avoid mistreatment (understandably so) and justify assimilation as "the only way" to be happy and get ahead. People stuck in this mindset often times proactively go out of their way to bully, misled, manipulate, and attempt to control others for the proverbial "cookie"- social reward for alignment and perpetuating systems that, usually, are oppressing them as well.
Fear: Fear is the number one driver of most behaviors, norms and ways of being in modern society. The fear of what people will think, the fear of what others will do if we don't comply, the fear of losing privilege, position, or possessions, and the fear of not fitting in are the most prevalent, and easiest ways people are manipulated to abuse and harm others. Most people tend to think "as long as it isn't me or someone I care about, it's fine." The interesting thing about this one (for me) is that the work to breakdown oppressive systems that keep those same folks fearful would, if successful, benefit them too- but for some reason that same fear prevents them from supporting - and causes them to sabotage - efforts to make society safer for themselves as well. How can we break out of these cycles?
Self-Analysis
So, where do we start? Think smaller. Think about how you uphold systems of manipulation and oppression (which go well beyond race, class, and other distractions we're given) in your everyday dealing with others.
Here are a few questions we can begin asking ourselves to bring awareness to how (and if) our behavior truly aligns to our values, or if we (intentionally or not) uphold societal oppression:
Are you the type of person to witness abuse and decide that person has to figure things out for and help themselves?
Are you the type to feel that the benefits you receive from mistreating or deceiving others are worth it? Or that you have to deceive or mistreat others to get ahead?
Are you the type to see others being passive aggressive, or sabotaging someone else and not speak up about it?
Are you the type to throw your colleagues under the bus for kudos or other benefits from management?
When others report they are gaslit or abused- do you put it back on them to resolve (further gaslight)?
Do you amplify the voices of those brave enough to speak up? Or do you tell them to be quiet and stop stirring the pot?
Do you stand in your own authenticity, or do you allow norms and expectations of others to guide your behavior and life?
Where do you stand? Please share your thoughts in the comments!
Hi! I'm Nicole, an organizational consultant and personal coach, who is passionate about inspiring the changes our society needs for all to thrive. Using lessons learned from my own experiences and challenges, I hope to help people within organizations by creating mentally, socially, and emotionally healthy workplaces for all. Check out the other resources on this site for more ways to do just that!
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