5 Ways to Manage Your Emotionally Unhealthy Coworkers

You may be on your emotional and mental health journey, changing old habits, breaking old patterns and working toward showing up as your best self daily. This increased self-awareness inevitably will make you more aware of the behaviors and lack of self-awareness in others- and the fact that those folks may be perfectly "fine" being emotionally unhealthy and toxic. While it would totally be easier to improve your emotional health if others did the same, this is not our reality- so, we'll need to realistically talk about some ways to navigate the slippery slope of negative human behaviors and emotions at work.

Before you focus on managing others though, it's important to remember that you should not aim to change anyone (as counterintuitive as this may feel). These tips are for you- to aid you in continuing to bring peace to your world and to set emotionally healthy boundaries for your well-being while remaining productive, on top of your game and emotionally grounded through the chaos.

Note: Remember that as you grow, you will change- and coworkers who are upset by change may lash out or change their behavior towards you (even if you were cool with one another to start). This should be expected- don't fight it.

5 Ways to Manage Your Emotionally Unhealthy Coworkers

1. Pick your battles carefully- not everything needs to be called out. Honestly, you have much better things to be doing and worrying about than battling at work every day. Often, unhealthy people in the workplace intentionally set out to provoke those who show emotional strength - and knowing this is half the battle. Having this awareness that negativity will find you (especially if you display emotionally healthy traits) can help you emotionally and mentally prepare for when it does. One very wise piece of advice I was told years ago: don't try to figure out the "why" behind someone's behavior. Educate yourself on the games and tactics coworkers can play at the office, and stay one step ahead of the madness. Acknowledge the bad behavior for what it is, and deal with it as is it is shown to you. Which brings us to point number 2...

   
   

2. Set and hold very clear boundaries around your time and attention. Toxic coworkers love to reel you into conversations and situations in which they can attempt to trigger you. Unless you have a role in which you can work independently 100% of the time (lucky you) you will at some point need to interact with your unhealthy coworkers, or perhaps unhealthy clients, bosses, or customers. Keep an awareness of what's happening within such interactions. Once a breach has been made, there are two ways you can approach it. You can state what you observed: "Jim, the comment you just made in reference to my work was inappropriate. If you continue to behave in this way, I am unable to continue this conversation." Or, you can question what you have observed: "Jim, what do you mean by the statement you just made? Can you elaborate?" [Jim will either backtrack, or he will continue to gaslight you. Follow with the "state" method above]. "Jim, that comment is irrelevant and inappropriate for this meeting. If this behavior continues, I am unable to continue this conversation."

   
   

3. Hold them accountable for their behavior. One of the worse (in my opinion) pieces of advice that's out there is to document, document, document. If you have particularly unhealthy and devious coworkers, you could find yourself spending more time documenting their behavior than performing your duties. It is not your responsibility to keep track of their behavior and monitor their emotions- as an adult, they need to be accountable and aware of their own triggers and behaviors. If they are well-meaning, they will be happy to work together with you to make any necessary changes to their behavior. If they are toxic, they will continue to gaslight and avoid accountability at all costs, which is a waste of your time. It is further traumatizing to you to have to document and constantly relive their negativity in this way. Don't allow them to gaslight or project back to you when you point out their bad behavior. Don't accept responsibility for fixing situations their behavior has caused. Don't waste your time mapping out their behaviors. Refer back to tip#2 to maintain your boundaries.

   
   

4. Hold yourself accountable for steps 1-3: This one is the tough one and will take some rewiring from what we're all commonly taught in order to execute. Using our above example with Jim, if he (or anyone else in the conversation if your coworkers operate as a group to mob you) continues the negative behaviors, actually leave the meeting/conversation. Click "leave meeting". If in person, physically walk away. This is hard for many of us, because we are taught that this is rude behavior. It is not rude to maintain your emotional health and maintain boundaries with manipulative and unhealthy people. Unlearn the notion that being firm and direct is wrong. This is nothing more than a way to further gaslight you into not sticking to your boundaries. Understand your needs, communicate these in healthy ways, and know that you are deserving and worthy of the respect of everyone in your workplace. Period (as the kids say nowadays).

   
   

5. Touch base with yourself at points throughout your day to ground yourself in your reality: Toxic coworkers are living in a false narrative that will drive you crazy if you allow it. Make sure to prioritize your health and well-being by taking time throughout the day to reconnect with you, and your purpose. We are all at different points in our careers, and whatever your purpose is for staying in your current workspace (insurance, money, family, experience, etc.) be sure to keep this front and center during your day.

Hi! I'm Nicole, an organizational consultant and personal coach, who is passionate about inspiring the changes our society needs for all to thrive. Using lessons learned from my own experiences and challenges, I hope to help people within organizations by creating mentally, socially, and emotionally healthy workplaces for all. Check out the other resources on this site for more ways to do just that!