When speaking about inclusiveness in work environments, we often hear the experiences of people who were brought into a role or organization to "diversify" things, but who were subsequently marginalized, abused, and blocked from thriving in their new roles. Today, I worked through a team charter exercise on creating team values with my teammates, and their responses got me thinking about how their beliefs relate to my experiences with them.
The general theme was trust and the (unstated) expectation I gathered from our team discussion is this: to be considered a trusted member of the group, you have to think, behave, and work in ways that I (the individual) am comfortable/familiar with...and that if you are different, you can't be trusted to work in the "right" way. The issue of trust came up several times, especially in relation to communication ("I can't trust you if I can't understand you" was the unspoken message). This question then led to me thinking about the tolerating others versus being inclusive debate (my overthinking struggle is real, but enlightening).
Their unspoken responses align with so many of the behaviors I've noticed in my time with this group. Since I am the one who is different in this group, these behaviors appear pretty blatant and obvious to me, and very much feel like "toleration" versus inclusiveness. But, in trying to explain my experiences, their "niceness" surfaces and the "Oh, no we think you're great!" response that doesn't align with behaviors comes out. If you've been in similar situations, leave a comment for emotional support, lol.
The topics of lack of trust and cognitive dissonances are for a different article (smirk), but for now I have this question- what's the difference between tolerating people and being truly inclusive, and how can we effectively have this conversation with our teams to encourage accountability? Since sharing how we feel based on our intuition and experience isn't always understood (intentionally or not...), what are some practical ways to describe the differences between the two in order to inspire the behavior changes needed to cultivate true inclusiveness? Here are my thoughts on some places we can start.
Tolerating Others
Being tolerant of others may mean not outwardly showing any negative behaviors or sharing negative opinions, but inwardly still believing that others who are different from you are "wrong" or don't have the right to be who they are or think as they do. If you don't outwardly protest about someone in your space but hold unspoken assumptions (negative or positive) or beliefs about the way that person exists, then you are simply tolerating their presence. This leaves you closed off from being able to genuinely connect with them due to the unspoken expectation that they need to be like you in some way in order to connect. Tolerating others is just another form of marginalization that cushions the individual from accountability and guilt for their beliefs and behaviors toward others.
Of course, marginalization can occur on multiple levels, for multiple reasons. We can look down on and assume the worst about others who see things differently than we do. We can make assumptions about the petite woman's leadership skills, the Black man's place in corporate America, the quiet person's ability to speak up, or the disabled person's ability to get the job done. All of these assumptions we make about others negatively impact their experiences in the workplace, and lead to being tolerant of their physical presence, but not truly respecting who they are, what they bring to the table and allowing them to thrive in their own way. If you participate in gatekeeping behavior, perception management of others, gossip, back-biting and other "unseen" behaviors toward others, without being directly aggressive, you are simply acting in an outwardly acceptable, tolerant way. This still does not create a safe space for others, and contributes more conflict than necessary. And when we eventually speak out about these conflicts, we are labelled and considered the problem for holding others accountable. How can this be a healthy way to "include" others?
Being Truly Inclusive
Being inclusive involves being genuinely curious about other ways of thinking and being and allowing those variations to exist and thrive in the same space. Success and competence don't only look one way- people bring a diverse set of skills and experiences to the table that we all can benefit from. When people are allowed to just be and express themselves naturally, they are more creative, engaged and happier overall. Inclusiveness is felt; it isn't simply a group of behaviors that can check a box. It isn't something numerically measurable- when genuine, it exists at all levels of perception in both our unspoken and spoken expectations and behaviors.
Being able to allow other ways of thinking, working and being to exist and thrive in the same space is the foundation for true inclusiveness. We need to be able to hold space and allow people to exist as they (the individual) see fit. For example, some people have learned to be confident and very comfortable with themselves and their abilities, while others may suffer from low confidence and low self-esteem. Those with low confidence may judge those who are more confident in themselves as being arrogant, while those who are confident may see those with low confidence as sensitive or negative.
Neither is a right or wrong space to be in, as we are all on our own journeys- what we do have to be though is accountable for our own mental and emotional state, and to not place the burden on others manage those for us. We can do this through our expectations of others, by not expecting them to cater to our needs and feelings without consideration for their own.
Here are a few other practical ways to encourage true inclusiveness in your workspaces:
Set the expectation that everyone is to be respected, regardless of their similarity or difference from you and your communication/work style.
Encourage different thinking styles and ways of finding solutions to work problems.
Train/teach people how to both give and receive feedback honestly and openly. Many people do not have this skill or the confidence to share their thoughts/opinions (especially if they are negative). Provide accountability and consequences for those who gossip or participate in other negative behaviors that don't support open and honest communication.
Be intentional and curious when interacting with others with different styles, beliefs and backgrounds.
Let your words and actions match- don't be "nice". If you feel either positively or negatively, learn the skills you need to confidently engage in conversations to learn and resolve outstanding concerns.
What else? Leave your thoughts, suggestions, and tips in the comments!
Hi! I'm Nicole, an organizational consultant and personal coach, who is passionate about inspiring the changes our society needs for all to thrive. Using lessons learned from my own experiences and challenges, I hope to help people within organizations by creating mentally, socially, and emotionally healthy workplaces for all. Check out the other resources on this site for more ways to do just that!
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