Have you ever been bullied or mistreated by your team in the workplace? If not, you may have some trouble relating to today's article topic, as many people who have never been mistreated do. Which is no fault of your own- and consider yourself blessed and lucky you've always had good people around you! I would encourage you though to take a read to see if there are ways you can be a good bystander should you witness someone being mistreated.
For the rest of us tens of thousands of people who have, you may have experienced bullying at work or school and of course nothing being done about it- which is sometimes a hopeless feeling. A common belief I've heard around bullying is that it's the victim's own fault, and if they would just stand up to the bully the mistreatment just stops.
I've also heard people say it's best to stay on a bully's good side (by any means necessary is the implication) in order to avoid becoming a target. This latter mindset simply signals to me that you are in fact being bullied by the bully, even if it's indirectly. They are still controlling your moves and thoughts, by the fact that you have to work around their behavior to avoid direct fire.
So, you might be thinking right now, "Why is this even relevant??" I get it- this feels somewhat off topic, but let's talk about why it is actually very relevant to the title of this week's article.
The Issue
When people speak out about their lived experience of being bullied, marginalized and/or otherwise mistreated, the programmed response by many people is to blame the victim, to insinuate that the person must have done something wrong to receive mistreatment. In the workplace, there is the undercover, or unspoken, expectation that people accept mistreatment as part of "the game" people "must" play in order to receive the benefits of being employed: social status, compensation, relationships, and status within your industry (among other things).
Our society has been gaslighted (gaslit?) to believe that, especially with repeated mistreatment, that it must be our own issue and that, regardless of the situation, we have to change ourselves (all the time) in order to resolve our situation. Through my own experience, and that of the many people whose stories I've read or heard, I can confirm that:
No amount of changing your personality, behavior or actions will stop a manipulative and abusive person from manipulating and abusing you. In fact, this is the desired behavior, as it affirms for them that they have control over you. There is nothing different you can do (short of going no contact or complete avoidance) to "fix" or "stop" the abuse. To insinuate this to people vulnerable enough to speak out is to further abuse them and invalidate their experiences.
Manipulative and abusive personalities also love to trigger you into negative behaviors, again either to confirm their control over you, or to support smear campaigns and lies they've told others about you. So, to engage in confrontation (to "show the bully you're not to be played with...") this only serves their agenda and, at best, only incites them to go more covert with their abuse. Pointing your finger, rolling your neck, and simply stating "stop" does nothing but fuel their sick need to see you triggered.
Manipulative and abusive people function, and are successful, by using others around them to create the results they want. So, anyone who participates in further gaslighting or victim-blaming is also being controlled by manipulators and abusers and are simply acting on their behalf. Those people who gaslight people who have been abused are also abusers. Period.
What You Can Do
So, how can you stay grounded, maintain your sanity, rise above abusers in manipulative work environments when you are continuously gaslit and unsupported?
Affirm your own experiences: Understand you do not need others to validate your experiences. You know what you saw, felt, and heard. That is all the validation you need. Understand that others tend to gaslight and question things they don't understand, things they are not able or ready to acknowledge, or things that are not tangible or obvious (which abuse rarely is). So, as a defense to the dissonance they may feel, they'll attempt to get you to stop believing in your own experience. Don't fall for that.
State your expectations right away, and only once: As mentioned above, engaging in back-and-forth confrontation or heated arguments with abusers is what they want and is ineffective at ending the abuse. The first time you notice disrespect or negative behaviors, state your expectations for that person. This can look something like: "The comment you made (or name behavior) was inappropriate. If we are going to interact and work together, I expect you to respect our working relationship and our work. If you are unable to do that, we are unable to work together." This is easier said than done, especially if you feel stuck working with someone. Let your manager know your stance, which will require courage on your part. If you are still developing in that area, try another method listed here until you are able to do this.
Be careful who you talk to about your experience: Most people in workplaces can be and are often manipulated. One day you may have someone appear to be on your side; the next day that same person will throw you under the bus to protect their career. It's sad to think about, but you cannot trust most people, especially with your vulnerability. Have a trusted support system outside of the workplace to help you remain grounded.
Don't be afraid to remove yourself from situations: I've said this before- if someone is being passive-aggressive or abusive in a meeting, leave the meeting. Don't announce it, just leave. Surprisingly (I will never get over the fact this is true) people need to be trained in how to treat you. So, eventually, they will get the message. Us empaths tend to struggle with this, since we want to treat people the way we'd like to be treated. But understand that those types are not at a level in their development to deserve that, so treat them according to the behaviors they display, not how you'd like to treat them. Another tough action that requires courage- but anything required to defeat an abuser requires courage, so it's inescapable. You'll have to do it!
Ultimately, different results will require different behaviors. Don't be gaslighted (gaslit? help me out here...) into behaving in ways that support your abuse. Be courageous, break the status quo and - with courage and class - keep your head up, stay grounded, and win against manipulators in the workplace.
What else? I'd love to know your thoughts!
Hi! I'm Nicole, an organizational consultant and personal coach, who is passionate about inspiring the changes our society needs for all to thrive. Using lessons learned from my own experiences and challenges, I hope to help people within organizations by creating mentally, socially, and emotionally healthy workplaces for all. Check out the other resources on this site for more ways to do just that!
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