Bullying & the Undercover Workplace III- People Aren't Always What They Seem

I think one of the most insidious things about workplace bullying, and manipulative personalities in general, is that the facades they put on are able to fool sooo many people. They're able to abuse under the radar, with even victims sometimes not realizing they are being mistreated and undermined.

There can be an argument made for the social veneers everyone puts on to navigate the workplace- some say it's to make things "easier", others say it's to make working more enjoyable.

The issue I tend to have with this, and with many other things human behavior related, is that when we see something as positive, or as a benefit, we'll tend to avoid or disregard the negative impacts this same thing can have- especially if they are unseen or unfelt by us or those we care about. We tend to do the same when it comes to individuals- if someone is kind to you and your family, you'd have a hard time believing that same person is hateful and abusive toward someone else.

When thinking about abusers and manipulators in the workplace (or anywhere, really) we have to understand that their public persona is just that- and not any true indicator of what they're capable of, or who they are behind closed doors. Public and bystander disbelief (and therefore a lack of support) is the main reason (in my humble opinion) that so many people suffer at the hands of abusers daily.

Harsh Truths

When we hear something negative about a person, place or group we like or are affiliated with, we tend to have a knee-jerk reaction of disgust and disbelief. In order to align what we just heard to our already established beliefs about this person (or place or group) we'll come up with all kinds of reasoning in their defense. This also goes for social conditioning (a.k.a. social norms) that we've been taught are "right" and "good for society". Don't judge me, and keep this in mind, as I share a few harsh truths with you:

• People treat people according to what you can do for them. Whether that be as simple and innocent as companionship or as manipulative as emotional abuse, the principle is the same. So, when we feel people don't (or can't) do anything socially, emotionally or physically for us, we disregard them- their experiences, their words, their value- their humanity.

  
  

• People have different faces for different places. How someone treats you is not how they treat everyone else, and how one person experiences a workplace (or any other environment) is not the same as someone else. In our day-to-day, we get caught up in believing that our personal realities are the realities of others- and this is simply not the case.

  
  

• In the workplace, status and social rank are key- and people belonging to different groups do not experience the workplace (or society) in the same ways. While many of us can relate to various social struggles (being female, having a lower socio-economic status, following certain religions, etc.) - however how these all intersect in an individual's life will be different. In the workplace, don't assume your colleagues are treating others the same way you experience them.

• People will behave one way with you, a different way with others, and perhaps a different way when you're all together. This is a key sign that someone at the very minimum doesn't like you, or at worst is conspiring and manipulating you and/or others. They switch up their behavior in order to attempt to conform to the narratives they've created. They want you to be confused, and begin to act like you dislike them, so that they can spin the narrative that you're the problem. Don't fall for it!

• When people act differently in groups than they do in private or 1:1 with you, this also can mean they are aligning to the social hierarchy. This means that someone high in rank (who is a bully someone with power) doesn't like you or is working against you- and, in their presence, they have to pretend to not like you too to avoid being a target of the bully themselves. They may not actively be plotting against you but are willing to throw you under the bus to save themselves and secure their spot.

• The New Enemy: When people you've never met behave as if they don't like you, this of course is because the manipulator got to them first, and unfortunately, they believe the lies. At minimum, this isn't someone you can trust-even if they come back to you later with " Oh, I thought you were mean [or insert other negative adjective], but now I like you." A bit of advice: never take the bait. Keep those people at arm's length- they could have been sent by manipulators to extract information from you [think: flying monkeys].

• Almost everyone has insecurities, and many people suffer from low self-esteem. Problems occur when those people allow their insecurities and low self-esteem to impact how they see everything and everyone. Whenever you interact with them, it always feels as if they are competing with you and will manipulate and spin narratives in an attempt to make themselves seem "better than" or more competent than you. Their manipulation tactics are rooted in a deep fear of you outshining them (by simply existing and being yourself) or making others see them as even worse than they already feel. This is much more common than we talk about- and the avoidance of talking about these types of behaviors and issues keeps them hidden and wreaking havoc in offices everywhere.

Now What?

That was a lot to unpack, so I'll leave it here for this article. Consider this list, and how it relates to workplace relationships, and more specifically bullying and manipulation in the workplace. Try to connect the dots of the last two articles (I & II) and how our human behavior, belief systems and norms make it easy for people to be abused.

This series is all about undercovering the hidden causes and behaviors behind manipulation and bullying tactics. In order to come up with solid, lasting solutions, we need to deeply understand the problem and cut it off at its roots. To do that, we need to all be both introspective (understanding how we contribute to the problem) and socially aware enough to understand experiences different from our own.

Here's an interesting article that outlines 8 ways genuine people are different from fake people. What do you notice?

Stayed tuned for part four!

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Hi! I'm Nicole, an organizational consultant and personal coach, who is passionate about inspiring the changes our society needs for all to thrive. Using lessons learned from my own experiences and challenges, I hope to help people within organizations by creating mentally, socially, and emotionally healthy workplaces for all. Check out the other resources on this site for more ways to do just that!