If we haven’t experienced it personally, we’ve seen it happen to someone else. Victims of workplace bullying are often blamed for their victimization, with many people feeling as if the target should just “stand up for themselves” in order for the bullying to stop. While I do believe in personal accountability and setting boundaries, we cannot continue to overlook to emotional and mental toll dealing with negative workplace personalities and bullies can place on someone, nor can we continue to shift blame from bully to bullied. The biggest factors though in this dynamic are actually bystanders- others in the organization who either play into or are unaware of what may be happening.
Bystanders hold the key in eradicating bully behavior from organizations. Manipulators and bullies need an audience; they need others to go along with their version of reality in order to victimize others. Without this, bullying and manipulation tactics are ineffective. In my experiences of being workplace mobbed, I notice that individually bullies are quite afraid of their targets, and only seem to "act out" their aggression when others are around.
So, why isn’t there more emphasis placed on the role of bystanders in organizations?
One way manipulative personalities are able to thrive under the radar is in the covert ways they not only gaslight victims but manipulate perceptions of leaders and bystanders as well.
The Emotional Toll of Bullies
Those who have never been bullied or abused may not fully understand the emotional toll (and often physical toll) it takes on victims. Bullies are individuals who are unable to manage their own negative emotions and behaviors, so their lashing out becomes a way to project those negative emotions onto someone else. And, curiously enough, our societal standards dictate that we should manage others’ emotions. Work has become more than just managing your tasks and going home- its navigating a minefield of politics, ego and lack of emotional management skills, which takes a massive amount of emotional energy and effort for each of us.
When you are being targeted at work, this additional emotional and mental strain takes away from your work performance and impacts your relationships with others (which is the bully's goal). On top of all of this, you as a victim are still expected to successfully navigate the negative emotions and behaviors of a bully or toxic culture, and if you decide to report the bully or bullies, you are now also burdened with tracking, documenting, and proving someone else's behavior. One question we have to ask is: why are these the expectations? Also, at what point did accountability move from bully to victim?
Emotions are tricky things to manage in a workplace setting, so many managers shy away from dealing with these types of issues- partly because they may not have the skill set (as most managers and leaders are not trained on how to effectively manage bullies on their teams) and partly because, as we mentioned earlier, there is a negative stigma around being bullied. Victims are often thought to be timid, fearful, sheepish, and typically are not well respected (plenty of research has proven this assumption to be incorrect). Leaders may not want to admit to these assumptions while addressing their employee’s concerns, so the issue is avoided as much as possible.
Bystander Fear
Based on the structure of many toxic workplaces, many bystanders are fearful of speaking up against negative behaviors they witness. Most often, they fear being targeted by the bully or others. Or they may feel it is not their obligation to get involved, perhaps due to feeling like the victim should be able to handle things on their own. Sometimes bullying is done intentionally to provoke the person into behaving in ways they normally would not, just to get a reaction.
There is no judgement in how one handles their bystander role- I respect an individual's reasons to either get involved, or not. This post is simply to communicate that bullying behaviors have no foundation to take root without the participation of others. So, as a bystander, even if you are not directly involved, laughing at a joke, marginalizing someone in order to fit in, ignoring, or ostracizing someone based off someone else’s opinion are all behaviors that contribute to the victimization of your coworkers. Even if you may find these behaviors small or inconsequential, they are exactly what bullies use to victimize their target, using you as a pawn in the abuse.
One way to look at this is to think of it as standing up to the bully- but for you. Many people don’t realize how they are actually used by the bully also, although not a direct target. Refuse to be part of their games. Don’t allow yourself to be pulled into their web of lies. If someone is gossiping around you, call them out on the behavior. If you chose not to get involved directly, use your power by not participating in those destructive, toxic behaviors.
Leadership Awareness
Leaders are often triangulated and used as pawns by insecure, manipulative team members in their efforts to get ahead. If a bully feels threatened by the experience, work, ethics and morals of another team member, they will covertly smear that team member in the presence of leadership, issue false complaints about the team member to leadership, and otherwise work to turn the leader against the targeted employee. In my experience, leaders are either woefully unaware that they are being manipulated in this way, or in some cases they join into the abuse due to their own insecurities.
Human Resource departments and leadership teams are ill-prepared to identify and stop mobbing behavior in its tracks, due to not only this lack of awareness, but also any personal beliefs or insecurities they may have around either the target themselves, or the leader's ability to effectively manage the conflict. Avoidance allows the mobbing behaviors to continue, and the organization most likely will lose a good employee, while keeping the mediocre manipulators around. (Have you ever wondered why workplaces are so dysfunctional? Now you know).
The Role of Candid Conversations in Curbing Negative Behavior
Toxic workplaces and bullies are common enough occurrences that it’s worth the effort to have conversations within your teams about mobbing behaviors and the effects on the individual, team, and organization. These types of meetings are great times to revisit behavioral expectations and to provide a space where conflict and issues can be discussed in an open, safe way. If you are a leader, these types of meetings can help reinforce your support for your team and open the door for rapport and trust building with your staff. If they feel comfortable coming to you about their experiences, this will do wonders not only for your relationship, but for their performance and overall sense of well-being. These types of meetings can also put bullies on notice that their behavior will not be tolerated (and should be reinforced with prompt follow-through when necessary). The time spent with your team in these conversations will save you time managing conflicts, high turnover rates, and poor performance later.
What is your bystander stance? Do you stay out of things? Do you speak up?
As a leader, do you know when someone on your team is being mobbed? What do you do about it?
Hi! I'm Nicole, an organizational consultant and personal coach, who is passionate about inspiring the changes our society needs for all to thrive. Using lessons learned from my own experiences and challenges, I hope to help people within organizations by creating mentally, socially, and emotionally healthy workplaces for all. Check out the other resources on this site for more ways to do just that!
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