Many of us live our lives, day in and day out, with little to no consideration as to how our social norms were created, why, and how these affect our lives, and the lives of others. We make the assumption that everyone will like what we like, know what we know, make the same decisions as us, or do as we do- and when we stumble across someone who doesn’t, it can throw us for a loop and produce all sorts of negative feelings and behaviors. By why?
Traditionally, when we think of social skills, we think of a shared set of values, speech, and behaviors that people conform to, in the name of creating a common ground with others which allows us to work together with less difficulty. Social norms are the unspoken and unwritten rules about how we should think, act, feel and behave- internally, and with others.
Today, what are determined to be “good” social skills are determined by the actions and behaviors of dominant groups in society, which marginalizes a large set of cultural and personal values, thoughts, and behaviors of other groups in society. As a result, large sets of people can be labelled “difficult”, “unskilled”, or “trouble" when they live by different sets of norms that work for their lives.
Of course, there are norms such as not physically harming people, not stealing, etc. that exist to maintain order and safety- and our lives would be very different if those norms and expectations didn't exist. This predictability in social relationships serves as a comfort for some, which partially answers the question on why difference is unsettling for many. Looking deeper into the norms of daily life, how can the maintenance of these actually contribute to discrimination and diversity issues?
Many people aim to be cooperative and work with others in ways that benefit the majority, but deeply ingrained beliefs about what is “right” or “wrong”, “good” or “bad” can prevent us from really seeing others as they are and learning to accept, and become comfortable with, other ways of being. What we learn about social skills in so many different organizations (and schools, and communities) is that it's best to conform and follow established norms, to fit into the status quo and minimize difference as much as possible.
What is not discussed is how doing so forces so many to give up parts of themselves that aren't inherently "bad" or "wrong"- causing mental, social, and emotional issues ("do what I'm told, or risk not feeding my family" for example) that form the basis of so many issues people face today. Have you ever attributed your need for a mental health day from work to be related to the exhaustion of fitting into a system or way of being that doesn't really align with who you are?
The imposing of social norms should not be geared toward controlling others or forcing others to make our lives easier (while making theirs more difficult). What I propose is to make sure we are not using norms in ways that undermine our relationships with the people around us. It’s time to do away with old forms of thinking that tell us different is bad. Our norms should keep us safe and provide guidelines for how we interact- but should not be used to ostracize or marginalize others who do not follow norms in our way.
When focusing on developing your social skills in the workplace, which are typically regarded as listening, conflict resolution, building rapport, empathy, and communication, consider how your comfort with people who are different is shaping the way you socialize with them. As humans, we all have the same basic needs- to be respected, to thrive, to be cared for and to feel safe- and these do not change based on outward characteristics, personality, economic status, education level, or how we relate to others.
There is no need to dread dealing with people who are different- difference isn’t bad! In your workplaces, challenge yourself and the people around you to think differently about norms and how they stifle difference. Approach those different from you with curiosity, instead of resentment. Be open to new ways of being and thinking and give others space to be their true selves. Understand that there are multiple ways to be engaged, multiple ways to be creative, multiple ways to be friendly, multiple ways to look presentable, and multiple ways to accomplish a task. Let's make this way of thinking the new foundation for social skills. Doing so will allow everyone to operate with optimal creativity and productivity, generating new ideas that will propel us forward in years to come.
Am I using social norms to justify treating people who are not like me differently?
Do the people around me support me as I am or ask that I only behave as they do? Do I require this of others?
How can I inspire others to be okay with thinking/being different?
Hi! I'm Nicole, an organizational consultant and personal coach, who is passionate about inspiring the changes our society needs for all to thrive. Using lessons learned from my own experiences and challenges, I hope to help people within organizations by creating mentally, socially, and emotionally healthy workplaces for all. Check out the other resources on this site for more ways to do just that!
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