Emotionally managing ourselves is a big enough task, especially with all of the negativity we face almost daily. However, at work, in addition to our long to-do lists, and managing our own emotions, we are also tasked with emotionally managing our leaders and peers. We are told this builds and maintains our relationships, which are the foundations of our success on the job- so not doing so can cost you dearly. Traditional emotional intelligence training and insights tend to focus more on how to influence and manage others, and less attention is given to managing ourselves. How much have we thought this through? Let's consider a different perspective (note: this is for the purposes of exploration, discussion, and expanding our perspectives - not to determine a right or wrong way to see things).
Common Scenarios
Workplace conflict between individuals, teams, departments, and leaders typically points back to emotional management issues. Misunderstandings and loss of trust can often occur when we use our influencing and rapport building skills to say the right things, but fail to follow through on our word; also common is the case of the insecure coworker who responds to their inner negative feelings by lashing out aggressively or passively at their teammate, sabotaging their work, controlling others' perceptions of the coworker, etc. Or, how about the leader who has to deliver bad news to their teams? To avoid dealing with potentially high emotions, leaders may soften the blow, redirect, or tell half-truths to maintain a trusting relationship with their employees.
Seeing these scenarios differently doesn't entail assigning right or wrong to any of the above behaviors, but rather understanding both true intent and true results, and deciding which is most effective at giving us long-term solutions to our common workplace interpersonal issues.
What's Really Happening?
One of the first Paradigm Shift newsletters discussed authenticity in the workplace, and the tendency for people in organizations to say one thing but do another. How does this relate here?
As a culture, we openly say it's okay to feel insecurities, but may openly ridicule someone who makes a mistake, driving them to cut corners, hide, or sabotage others to look more competent. Or we may say that we know our leaders are only human yet continue to hold them to an unrealistic standard that drives their insecurities- and ability to effectively manage them- underground, where it becomes increasingly harder to detect and address. Team conflict can be the result of one or more persons not measuring up to the expectations of behavior, thinking and being we carry, and us not being able to manage those conflicting emotions within ourselves (or communicate or feelings with our colleagues). In the name of sophisticated EQ, we train ourselves and/or our staff to say the right words, in the right way, or make the right gestures to establish or reestablish trust and comfort within our relationships.
I can't say enough how important it is to maintaining relationships with our work peers; however, a side-effect of this is that we avoid healthy conflict, and avoid facing interpersonal or intrapersonal issues that, if addressed, would better resolve the issues we are spending our creative energy trying to avoid. We begin managing the avoidance of the issue, rather than the issue, and managing how others perceive the situation, rather than the situation itself.
What Can We Do Differently?
Thinking differently about how we approach relationships and communication with our workplace colleagues will take a shift in cultural perspective for many of us. It's so deeply ingrained that we must "be nice", ruffle no feathers, and rock no boats, that this leaves us walking on plenty of eggshells just to maintain working relationships (which doesn't really serve us well, in the long run). A first step in this is to consider where we can improve our personal emotional management skills. This can involve therapy, taking advantage of EAP services if available, talking to a trusted friend, coach, or mentor, or self-reflection and self-study (among other things).
Even in situations where someone else is struggling to manage their emotions effectively, managing our own emotional response is the best defense against feeling drained and defeated by negative behaviors. How can we respond to the situation effectively? How can we respond to our emotions in a kind, understanding way? How can we extend grace and understanding to others who may not know any other way to engage? Remembering that most people have been taught to play the game in work and relationships, many people have been taught not to resolve for win-win situations- but to come out on top, in any way possible. This mentality does not align with creating win-win situations and is hard to break free from when it is the only way you've been able to get your needs met.
Inspiring conversations like these with your colleagues, friends and leaders at work can be the beginning of redrawing respectful boundaries and expectations within those relationships, which creates space for healthy conflicts and resolutions, leading to more trust, creativity, authenticity and productivity in our teams. This of course leading to safe workplaces in which the need for constant emotional management- of ourselves and others- is reduced- an outcome I'm sure we all can appreciate.
What are your thoughts. Agree? Disagree? Leave a comment!
Hi! I'm Nicole, an organizational consultant and personal coach, who is passionate about inspiring the changes our society needs for all to thrive. Using lessons learned from my own experiences and challenges, I hope to help people within organizations by creating mentally, socially, and emotionally healthy workplaces for all. Check out the other resources on this site for more ways to do just that!
Comentarios