Being introverted. Being female. Being neurodivergent. Being black. I struggle when thinking about writing on these topics, for several reasons. One being that I am not a fan of promoting a victim mentality, or being defined by limitations and labels society has placed on many of us. However, I do want to share my perspectives (based on my experiences) because there may be others who face or have faced similar circumstances, or others who can benefit from understanding different perspectives and potential complexities not commonly discussed in diversity conversations.
Dichotomous thinking, or simply thinking in absolutes- this or that, bad or good, right or wrong- fuels the way we see ourselves and others. Societal standards about what is good or bad are examples of dichotomous thinking, and this thinking (actually associated with certain personality disorders) frames the -isms we judge others by. We then treat those people in accordance with our belief about them- not actually seeing them for who they really are, which negatively impacts how they see you, and the world around them. A vicious cycle, right?
A Story
My mother was a short, stout woman, all of five feet one inches (154 cm). Having taken after my father's genetics, I had grown to her height by the time I was 12 and surpassed her by 13. By 14, I was a solid five feet seven inches tall (170 cm). I remember she would often refer to me as "Big Bertha", "Long Tall Sally", or "Big ol"...[whatever she was feeling that day, positive or negative]." She purchased my clothes and shoes sizes too big, which added to the bullying and teasing I endured from others. Although I was very skinny, from her perspective, I was this huge, "big ol' " person.
Aside from my physical differences, I was also developmentally different, with a different personality. I took on my dad's cool, calm, strong, smart and introverted personality. This was polar opposite of everyone on my mother's side of the family (the stereotypical loud and boisterous Black American family). So, my gifting and characteristics were always made into negatives: "You think you so smart, huh?" "You're weird". "Why she don't talk?" "[To my mother:] Oh, this is your daughter, too? She doesn't look like you..."
We spent much more time around her family than my dad's, and in her family all of the women are short, extroverted, and loud. So, my stature and personality always stood out, in a negative way mostly. This, among many other differences, began forming my disconnect with the people I, in theory, should be most connected to. This also began the formation of a self-perception that was grossly inaccurate. I wasn't able to see how my clothes were sizes too big (as a teen, I was wearing size 16 clothes when I probably should have been wearing size 8 or 10, for perspective). I was well into my 20s before figuring out how to size my clothes correctly. I learned that my intelligence is actually a good thing, and not something to be ridiculed or punished (I still actually struggle with this to some degree, because it comes up every place I work as a gifted person). I have learned that my physical characteristics aren't "wrong" or "bad" or uncommon. I have learned that being cool, calm and collected is a superpower that many people envy- all while society and various workplace experiences have tried to reinforce the opposite.
Why am I sharing all of this? And what does this have to do with dichotomous thinking?
Our Assumptions Shape the Experiences of Others
I thought this would be a good illustration of how projected assumptions, perceptions, and beliefs about others who are different can negatively impact their lived experience. I spent most of my childhood and young adulthood confused and walking on eggshells in life, since any and everything I did or said was considered weird or "wrong". I even had people ask me questions like "Why do you walk like that?" (with my head up and shoulders square, as if I shouldn't…) or "Why do you talk like that?" (without specifying what "that" was). I still wonder what the expected answers are for these questions (if anyone knows please share, lol!) Since, according to society, many of my characteristics are "bad" or at the very least weird and undesirable, I grew up and spent my early adulthood with a mismatched self-perception, which affected the way I showed up socially and in the workplace.
When we project our beliefs and worldview onto others, we often don't consider how our words and actions (even when genuinely curious) can impact the experiences of others. In organizations, being a good "fit" often correlates to alignment with current societal norms and expectations of what is "good". For those of us who don't fit into those boxes of "good", we can only attempt to "fit" by not being ourselves. And some of us like myself, are unable to "fit" regardless of our efforts. Anyone who isn't what we assume they should be is considered "bad" or "wrong" and in need of correction (usually by social marginalization and ostracizing). This takes us back to the discussion on dichotomous logic, and how overuse of this way of thinking is prevalent in our society and causes the divisions we uphold every day.
We all have room to examine our assumptions about others, and how those show up when we interact with them. We have all internalized the good versus bad dichotomies society uses to divide us and centralize power within certain groups. When we project our incorrect assumptions about others based on these dichotomies, you are contributing to creating an inaccurate worldview and self-perception for those people. We are contributing to the trauma of others by projecting our trauma onto them. We are complicit in keeping society right where it is, or perhaps making things worse.
While many of us speak out against oppression and for diversity, we still hold onto "good vs bad" dichotomies that drive the very things we speak out against. We can’t only point to one group or phenomenon as the source of the issue- at this point it's on all of us. When I witness marginalization within marginalized communities, when I see families ostracize their own, when I see women against one another, team members who cutthroat each other at work to get ahead- I wonder what it will take for us to see our own accountability in the current state of affairs. The system was established to divide, but we are currently upholding the system with our behaviors and beliefs. This is something we all inherently do, thanks to our ingrained dichotomous thinking.
To build a better society, we must be able to start with understanding the mechanisms in place and our own accountability within them, while also being able to hold those around us accountable when we witness the mistreatment of others. We're past surface level conversation and training at this point- we must dig deeper to better analyze ourselves, others, and the roles we play.
How will you question your assumptions about others?
How will this help you show up differently in your interactions with people you feel are different from your beliefs about who is "good" versus "bad"? "Right" versus "wrong"?
Hi! I'm Nicole, an organizational consultant and personal coach, who is passionate about inspiring the changes our society needs for all to thrive. Using lessons learned from my own experiences and challenges, I hope to help people within organizations by creating mentally, socially, and emotionally healthy workplaces for all. Check out the other resources on this site for more ways to do just that!
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