I had an interesting conversation with a colleague (let's call her Charlie) this week that called out some things about human interactions and expectations that few of us actively talk or even think about. In typical overthinker fashion, my mind went on to think about the connections between what I'd confirmed through my colleague and how the perspectives she shared are actually rooted in the ideas of assimilation and oppression of others, as well as connected to the ingrained and widely accepted as truth beliefs, behaviors and expectations most people follow in their interactions with others.
I'd reached out to Charlie as part of a project I'm consulting on with her leader's leader on culture building and rapport. This leader, an executive we'll call Katy, reached out for guidance and best practices to build rapport, successfully reorganize the department, and maintain positive relationships after the departure of a senior director. I've heard that Katy is seen by many in the organization as cold and insincere, which my colleague confirmed were her impressions as well. I asked Charlie what specifically was cold about Katy, and she mentioned things like not participating in small talk and being a direct communicator as two main factors. She went on to describe how she feels that if people only want to be "transactional" then she has no problem "giving it to them" (indicating a short, curt communication of information only, as if withholding her niceties were a punishment.)
I asked Charlie to explain this more. She gave an example using her own personality, which she described as "warm and fuzzy", which in her opinion, is the standard. She mentioned she's the type to give out hugs and Christmas cards- but only to people she felt would return them. In other words, she was only the warm and fuzzy standard to people who mirrored her behavior back to her. We'll come back to this later.
For now, let's pause here for a sec to summarize: Charlie has a standard for what she feels is the "right personality" to be when interacting with others (warm and fuzzy) and feels this standard is the way all people should behave, especially if you're in leadership. Through what I just shared above and other parts of our conversation, I determined that she feels that anyone working with people should maintain this "warm and fuzzy" persona, and that everyone wants everyone else to behave this way, too. In fact, she stated that any "reasonable" person would agree that this is a standard.
Stop and think about how you perceive others for a sec. Do you agree with Charlie? Do you feel that the only way to be a "good" person is to be warm and fuzzy, or fit into "the standard"? Do you feel that everyone else shares this same belief? Are all people who avoid small talk, who speak directly or don't fit into the standard (or your standard) cold, uncaring, bad people?
Shifting the Paradigm
I challenged Charlie on her perspectives by pointing out the following:
It is equally as "transactional" to only want to hug people who you've determined (through arbitrary assumptions only, not facts) would return the favor. I pointed out that, from my perspective as someone others may also view as unfriendly, her "warm and fuzzy" then is inauthentic, as it is solely dependent on what she feels she gets out of behaving this way. In other words, so many people claim this as their personality, but it is not; it is a learned behavior done to get something in return (validation, being liked, etc.) She countered with, "Well, why would I give out my "goodness" to someone who isn't going to reciprocate it?" I countered that with "What if they are giving you "goodness" differently and you're not receiving it?" Silence.
I asked Charlie how she thought people with different personalities from hers may feel about her "warm and fuzzy". She had to pause, later indicating she'd never thought about it, and then returned to her argument that all "reasonable" people would behave similarly and follow her logic and reasoning. I asked her, again being someone who doesn't fall under the traditional warm and fuzzy category, if I, or Katy, started behaving in a warm and fuzzy way tomorrow, how would she feel? She stated she wouldn't trust it (by the way, she and I have a decent rapport, she mentioned she doesn't view me as cold). So, I said it's better for Katy and I to be ourselves then, as there is no benefit to changing our personalities for someone who will still mistrust us. Silence. I gave her examples of this from my own life, in which I made the extra effort to come off warmer and fuzzier, only for people to avoid me more...which then led me to stop trying...which then (for them) confirmed their wrong beliefs about me. See how this can spiral?
I asked what her standards of "good" and "bad" personalities were based upon. She didn't really know, other than just a knowing that what she believes is right, is right. It may be worth it to point out here that Charlie is a Black woman. Why is this important? Through later parts of our conversation, I had to point out to her how her perceptions of what good and bad personalities are (and also professionalism) were built on the same system of oppression that impacts so many other areas of our lives. The deeply ingrained beliefs we've come to believe as truths were devised to maintain control of how we think and behave and are not true indicators of any "good" or "bad" ways to be. Those automatic reactions we have to people who don't align with these ideals serve to keep people in line with approved personality types, labelling all others as wrong, or bad- which has huge implications for people socially. People of all ethnicities, backgrounds, and "races" uphold these beliefs and enforce compliance upon others they interact with.
So, Nicole- What's the Point Here?
My conversation with Charlie went in so many directions I didn't even get to here, and maybe next month I'll write a part two- but the main point is this: when we carry expectations that people should behave and think like us, we limit the possibilities of having meaningful and productive relationships with others different from us. We, knowingly or unknowingly, uphold deeply ingrained mental systems of oppression that result in so many of the organizational (micro) and social (macro) issues we face in our world today. Making assumptions about others' behavior based on our own limited understanding can cause unnecessary rifts in relationships, causing team issues or like in Katy's case, causing people to fear and dislike her without understanding her, from her perspective.
Challenge yourself to challenge your automatic beliefs you may have about not only how you perceive others, but also how others may perceive you. Don't automatically assume your way is right, and anything different is wrong. Learn to communicate your needs, instead of assuming that everyone should think and behave like you, and thus anticipate your needs. Putting a halt to that undercover mental process that causes you to interact with your perception of someone, rather than the actual person in front of you, is a great first step in curbing bias and learning to build authentic relationships with others.
Do you see yourself in Charlie? Katy?
I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments!
Hi! I'm Nicole, an organizational consultant and personal coach, who is passionate about inspiring the changes our society needs for all to thrive. Using lessons learned from my own experiences and challenges, I hope to help people within organizations by creating mentally, socially, and emotionally healthy workplaces for all. Check out the other resources on this site for more ways to do just that!
Comments