One thing I absolutely love about this workplace reform movement that is happening now is that we are collectively starting to realize that people bring their full selves to work- for better or worse. People don't abandon their struggles, personalities, behaviors and beliefs when they clock in for the day. Even though your company has a fancy mission statement and values, it has become rare to see people actually working and behaving according to those values- and this is true from the very highest levels of an organization, down to the front line.
For those of us that have experienced toxic workplaces and toxic managers, you know this all too well.
Some people may be under the assumption that once someone reaches a management position, they leave their old behaviors (the ones that may have helped them get into that position...but that's another article) behind and are model leaders right from the gate. In this article I talk about accidental leaders, and how their motivations to be leaders often have nothing to do with the people they lead. These managers are also often those that harbor envy and jealousy for their employees- or anyone they perceive to be better than them.
How would you know if you're manager or supervisor is jealous of you?
Traits and Behaviors of Jealous Managers
In most cases you'll know- there will be no questions about it. But, if you need reassurance, here are 5 things you may observe your jealous manager do:
Mimicry: The jealous manager will mimic you- your speech, your dress, your work style. They will repeat your ideas and words as if those words are their own and - especially when you're not around- they will embody the characteristics of your personality that they envy.
Smear campaigns: A jealous manager is insecure and self-hating, so they tend to create smear campaigns to attempt to damage your reputation and/or others' perception of you. They will tell people that you are [insert bad personality characteristic they possess] while pretending to be what you are (see first bullet point).
Stifling your career growth: Especially insidious is their dedication to stalling or stifling your growth within the company. They will avoid advocating for you (or they may do so superficially as a cover) while also undermining any work that you do. They may assign you busy work, or assignments that lead to nowhere. They will gatekeep information and, in line with the last point, will control others' perception of you, making it hard for you to build the connections and relationships you need to be effective in your role.
Passive-aggression: Their behavior towards you is hot and cold (one minute smiling in your face, another minute ignoring you or belittling you). When you do speak with them, you can hear the passive-aggression in their voice, and you'll notice micro-expressions of fear or disgust. They are rarely honest with you, since their goal is to confuse you, gaslight you, and trip you up any chance they get.
Micromanaging: Your jealous boss will micromanage you- more to learn how you work and accomplish the things you do, rather than it being about control (which could also be true). They will study you, like a narcissist studies their target, in order to learn your vulnerabilities, or simply to catch you messing up, which gives them an ego boost.
What Makes You a Target?
Really, this depends on the jealous manager and what their insecurities are- so any quality that you possess can make you a target. In general, there are some common aspects of who you are that may trigger retaliation and other negative behaviors from your jealous manager: being competent in your role, being attractive, having education or experience they do not have, being well liked by others, or just being a person of integrity.
I saw a post recently on Instagram that talked about how people will do anything and everything to maintain their comfort and homeostasis. In the case of the jealous manager, their blaming you for their discomfort and insecurity is a way for them to (in)effectively manage their emotions ("If they (you) weren't so perfect, I wouldn't feel so bad..."). If you tend to be a people-pleaser, or otherwise empathetic to others, this can also make you a target. These jealous types know that they can dump their trauma onto you, and you'll take it on as your own, leaving them to behave badly without being held accountable.
What Can You Do?
Well, there isn't much you can do about your manager's insecurity, but there are ways you can keep yourself protected and sane while working with them. Having an awareness of the "why" behind their behavior is a great start and the best way to learn not to take their behavior personally. Here are a few other tips:
First and foremost- keep yourself sane: focus more on you, your goals, and your mental health rather than focusing on trying to change your jealous boss. The only thing that would make them happy (temporarily) is for you to dim your light and show up less than who you are- which is not an option. Despite the advice of many other articles and books, you cannot manage the jealousy in someone else. That is an inside job for them- not for you.
Keep a paper trail: Don't believe anything they tell you. Keep written documentation of asks, instructions, projects, and anything else from your manager. When they attempt to gaslight you, produce the receipts to hold them accountable.
Be careful who else you trust: You can never be too sure who your jealous manager has manipulated, so move cautiously and don't share too much with others in the workplace. You may be tempted to share how you're being treated- please be sure whomever you share with has fully earned your trust before doing so. Even better- talk with trusted others outside of the workplace for support.
Offer constructive feedback: I only recommend trying this approach once, simply because there is the small possibility your jealous manager is actually just new at their role (and unaware of their behavior and how it is impacting you) or they may actually be willing to learn and change their ways. Offer suggestions on how they can work and communicate with you better. Communicate your needs and boundaries and work together to hold each other accountable to expectations. This is called managing up, and is something all employees need to do, to a degree- and most healthy managers will appreciate your efforts in doing so. A truly jealous manager however will be offended by your attempts to "correct" them. Don't let their offense intimidate you or otherwise keep you from holding them accountable when needed.
Have an exit plan- as long as your manager is jealous of you, you will be held back in your career. Have a plan to either transfer to another manager (if you feel the company as a whole is worth sticking with) or an exit strategy out of the organization. While you are still employed there, you can make the most of the experience by learning from others and being more proactive about building relationships and skills you can use elsewhere.
Have you ever worked for a jealous manager? How did you handle it? Leave your comments below- you just may help someone else!
Hi! I'm Nicole, an organizational consultant and personal coach, who is passionate about inspiring the changes our society needs for all to thrive. Using lessons learned from my own experiences and challenges, I hope to help people within organizations by creating mentally, socially, and emotionally healthy workplaces for all. Check out the other resources on this site for more ways to do just that!
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