Workplaces can be places of great collaboration, creativity, camaraderie and good times. Or- they can be breeding grounds for insecure, manipulative types to wreak havoc on the mental and emotional health of the rest of us.
On this side of the internet, we're all about arming ourselves emotionally and mentally against the latter, and most often we focus on the manipulators and the victims. But we seldom focus on those who create the environment for abuse and manipulation to work-the bystanders and enablers. The in-between people who are being puppeted by manipulators into abusing others, or those bystanders who witness abuse and do nothing. Or- those being triangulated into unknowingly causing harm to others.
What exactly is triangulation?
Triangulation is a tactic used by manipulative and insecure people to create distractions and conflicts between others around them. No emotionally healthy person engages in this behavior; these types triangulate others to take negative attention away from themselves (when they're feeling insecure), as a revenge tactic, or as part of narcissistic abuse (flying monkeys). This is a common method used to mob/ bully those in the workplace who don't fit in, speak out about important issues, or are disliked by key members of the organization.
Most people being triangulated by abusers are unaware of their role in someone else's abuse; others are aware and are willing participants. I'm sure the majority of us though would like to know if we're being used- so let's have that conversation.
How can those that are unaware of triangulation become aware?
Are you being triangulated?
It's usually easy to figure out if you're being victimized, but how do you know if you are the enabler? The bystander? The one being used to abuse someone else? Here are some signs:
Alliances: The manipulator will try unusually hard to befriend you and build an alliance with you (and others). This is usually the beginning stage, and often seems harmless enough. Depending on their role in the company, you may even feel flattered that they like you, which is all part of the trickery. The goal is for you to trust them. After all, most people trust those that they like, so they'll work extra hard to be in your good graces. They also will tend to compare their victim to people they like, framing the victim (and everything about them) as bad, and their friend/ally as good. How to respond: No need to jump to conclusions at this stage. Continue to observe their conversation and behavior. One defining sign can be if the manipulator presents a seemingly innocent story about a disagreement between themselves and the victim and asks you for your opinion. This may seem innocent enough, but really what they are trying to do is get you to align with them or the victim. Avoid giving an opinion, especially if you have just met this person and/or are new to the company. This is a common way that alliances are formed and is how newcomers are placed in a "them" or "us" category.
Gossip: The manipulator always brings up a certain person (their victim) when interacting with you- even if the situation is completely unrelated. They speak about them either in a directly unflattering way, or they will ask you questions about them, trying to gauge what you know and don't know about the victim (and themselves). How to respond: When they steer the conversation toward someone in a gossipy way, simply redirect back to your original purpose for interaction. If they ask for your opinion about that person, simply state you don't have one, or that you're getting to know them for yourself. The latter response may prompt them to gossip more, offering their negative opinions on the person's personality, workstyle, appearance, etc. Interrupt them and redirect the conversation back to the task at hand. This communicates to the manipulator that you are unlikely to be swayed by their gossip, and uninterested in what they have to say. Don't be surprised if all of the initial friendliness they had toward you grows cold. That's your sign that you dodged a bullet and are no longer being triangulated. If the manipulator is determined to reel you in, you may see more of the following:
Peer Pressure: If you've made alliances with manipulators, it is standard practice that you dislike who they dislike, and abuse who they abuse. They may put pressure on you to treat their victim poorly and/or they may insinuate that you will be mistreated if you don't go along with the abuse. This is where many people fold, and go along with abusing others, to avoid the negativity being directed at them. How to respond: Have the courage to go against the grain. Manipulators love to use fear tactics to control others. You have two options: allow fear (and the manipulator) to control and use you for their dirty deeds, or you can have the courage to not engage (ignore them), to step away, or to confront them directly about their behaviors. If you'd like, take the time to get to know the target for yourself, without the influence of others. Allow your own experiences to dictate how you and this person engage and interact.
Misaligned actions/different personalities: If you're particularly observant, you may notice that this person behaves differently when some people are around, versus others. Pay attention to this. How do they act/speak around you? How does this change around others? Who are the people you notice these differences around? And have they ever said anything to you about them? You'll notice passive-aggression in the presence of the target, especially if there are others present who the manipulator has successfully triangulated. Are they cracking under-handed jokes, or "side" jokes? Does the victim seem confused or ostracized? Does information change once a particular person is out of sight? How to respond: If someone is making jokes at someone else's expense, don't react/respond. Don't smile, laugh or engage. Here is where many people think something like "Well, {X} should stand up for themselves..." There are tons of research articles available that support the fact that this does nothing, and in many cases worsens the abuse for the victim. The manipulator can only manipulate with the assistance of others, which is why triangulation is such a popular tactic for them. If you feel strongly against speaking up, at the very least, just don't engage.
Incivility and/or physical abuse: The manipulator may be more overt with their behavior, behaving much like the schoolyard bullies from elementary school. They may say something negative about the victim in a meeting and expect others to agree (especially if the manipulator is in a position of power), or they may even resort to physically abusing others in front of you. If you do/say nothing, they will interpret that as allegiance. Bullies and manipulators are empowered by those who standby and do nothing, thus making you an accomplice to their abuse. You'll likely lose the trust of the victim, and (intentionally or not) align yourself with the behaviors of the manipulator. How to respond: Speak up! If it's safe, stand with the victim or remove them from the manipulator's vicinity. Be an ally and support the victim should they decide to report the incident. Call out microaggressions and other behaviors in the moment. This has much more impact on the manipulator's behavior than pulling them aside in private. Call them out publicly, just as they attempted to abuse and humiliate their target publicly. This shows solidarity and makes them nervous and shows that they don't have as much control over others as they believed.
Sabotage: Manipulators are crafty and can be sneaky about getting you to do their dirty work. In their attempts to sabotage their victim, they will get you to (unknowingly) work against the victim, either by telling you correct information, and telling the victim incorrect information (so that the victim appears incompetent to you and others), asking the victim to do your task, but giving them unclear direction (same reasoning), causing unnecessary conflict between you and the victim (since the gossip didn't work, they need to create other reasons for you to hate their victim). How to respond: Make it a point to check in with others you're working with on work assignments to make sure you're all on the same page. Offer support to a struggling colleague- if you see them doing something wrong, offer correction (instead of allowing them to continue doing things wrong, which "proves" the manipulator right about their "incompetence.") Keep communications clear, direct, and open between all parties, and double check any third-party information received.
Blame: The victim is often blamed for their own mistreatment. The manipulator will position things so that it looks like the victim is too sensitive, "playing the victim", incompetent, or otherwise unpleasant to work with. They may even cite the victim's positive qualities as problems, creating false narratives around the victim, their talents, and experiences. This effectively turns most people against the victim, leaving them with little to no support and a tainted reputation. How to respond: When you hear them casting blame, ask some questions to deepen the discussion: "Well, what if {X} saw things differently?" "What are some other reasons {X} may have done/said that?" "Do you mind if I tell {X} what we've discussed to get their feedback?" Watch their response. The manipulator will become physically uncomfortable, may switch up and say it's no big deal, or will quickly change the subject. Questions are the manipulators kryptonite. They would prefer that you and others just take their words for face value. Expose them and their motives by asking probing questions - you'll notice that eventually, they will avoid you, which of course is the goal!
Bystanders are the lifeline of manipulators and abusers everywhere, not just in the workplace. If you train yourself to look for the signs, you can opt out of their abusive cycles, saving yourself from being used and entangled, and someone else from their vicious abuse.
What else would you add? I'd love to hear your thoughts!
Hi! I'm Nicole, an organizational consultant and personal coach, who is passionate about inspiring the changes our society needs for all to thrive. Using lessons learned from my own experiences and challenges, I hope to help people within organizations by creating mentally, socially, and emotionally healthy workplaces for all. Check out the other resources on this site for more ways to do just that!
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