Yesterday, I saw a post on Facebook from an awesome teacher (linked here) that outlined ways she teaches her students to handle not liking someone. Yes, how to NOT like someone. While the comments were varied, a large amount of people felt this was an excellent idea- and I agree.
How many times have we witnessed poor conflict management skills not only in the workplace, but also within personal and social relationships? The default response of many people when they don't like someone seems to be to get as many people to also not like that person, to help justify their reasons for not doing so. Or, to be aggressive (passively or overtly) toward that person, in an effort to get that person to not like themselves (which is just wild to me).
If you think back through some conflict management training you might have received, most do not teach the basic skills and techniques she shares in her post. Often, you'll find that they teach avoidance skills and sometimes passive-aggressive phrases and behaviors.
I think her techniques are spot on- and need to be integrated not only in our schools, but within our workplaces since many adults were never taught how to handle their negative emotions and perceptions productively. I know this may sound condescending to some but it's reality and before we can inspire any change, we first have to acknowledge the problem even if it's unpleasant.
If you haven't clicked the link above, here's a summary of techniques she shares in the video:
"When you don't like someone, it doesn't have to be public knowledge": There is no need to tell others if and why you don't like someone, especially if it's due to simple personality differences. People can exist in this world as they are, and it is not required for you to like them for them to thrive. This only causes division, affects productivity, and honestly makes you look bad. The only people who may thrive from your gossip are people who are also probably gossiping about you. Just saying....
"Don't bring others down only to bring yourself up": I love that she said: "Just because you don't like someone, doesn't mean they don't have the right to like themselves." Enough said.
"Don't isolate or exclude": Just because you don't like someone, doesn't give you the right to exclude them, and prevent them from building relationships with others. We all are different and have different preferences, including the people you like- just because you like them doesn't mean they will not like someone else that you don't. Don't block the blessings of others- you could be blocking the formation of meaningful and important relationships- even for the people you do like.
"Don't gang up or try to overpower people": Don't try to recruit others to not like someone, simply because you don't. This is incredibly common in the workplace and is used to marginalize or play political games of power. If you do not have the courage to address someone directly and individually, then don't say anything. Again, this makes you look bad- unless you are in a toxic environment in which this is the norm, and even then, any benefit gained from this behavior is short-lived and not promised.
"Use good communication skills to respectfully set your boundaries": Communication is everything. Some people think speaking a lot (or louder, lol) means they are good communicators, which is just not true- it is quality over quantity. If you are unable to use your words to express your needs and boundaries, not only will you be unhappy, but you will also make those around uncomfortable and miserable. If someone does something that crosses a boundary, you have the option to either not say anything, or address the issue. If you chose not to say anything to that person, don't say anything to anyone else, either. Let the person you have the conflict with be the first person (and last in some cases) you speak with about the issue.
Sometimes we can make life much more complicated than it needs to be. Cultivating these simple skills can do wonders for maintaining your peace, building meaningful relationships, and making the most of the time we spend with others. Also, cultivating these skills will open us up to be able to interact with and learn from people we otherwise might not have- expanding our knowledge and worldview, which is a win-win for all of us!
What do you think? Should conflict management training be revamped to include these skills? Why or why not?
Hi! I'm Nicole, an organizational consultant and personal coach, who is passionate about inspiring the changes our society needs for all to thrive. Using lessons learned from my own experiences and challenges, I hope to help people within organizations by creating mentally, socially, and emotionally healthy workplaces for all. Check out the other resources on this site for more ways to do just that!
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